The photo of her hand looked just like my hand. I'm 80 now, and no children or grandchildren to take care of me when the time comes. There's more of us every year and I decided that when the times comes that I can no longer take care of myself, I'll check out.
Your post is "family" and is the way families used to be and still are in some countries.
Kate, your evident care in writing here is only exceeded by the care with which you accommodated an elder in-law. I think you may have under-stated the challenges here.
If someone in your home can't be happy then the household can't be happy, and there's no assurance at all that someone at this time of life could *be* happy once they relocate and lose daily contact with a life-partner. If you're achieving that, then that itself is amazing. It speaks to resources you have that not everyone possesses. People could learn from whatever it is that you know.
May I ask, do you think this experience has grown you? If so, how?
Thank you. I’m not sure there’s anything to learn from me but it’s not been too difficult as we are lucky enough to have been able to covert our garage into a granny pad so mum in law has her own space. Not everyone is so lucky and I’m sure it’s harder living together in cramped conditions. Also, I think it helps that I grew up with my grandmother and great-grandmother so it feels quite normal to me living with different age groups. Although my mum in law misses her husband very much she is a realist, like many of her generation, and understands that at 89 her caring days are over. She sees him regularly and we bring him to the house so it’s not too bad. My parents passed away a few years ago and to be honest that was harder as my dad had Parkinsons and dementia and my mum was very frail. At the side of that experience this feels a lot easier! I guess it’s all about perspective and keeping a sense of humour!!!
“I think I’ll go and have a little read,” is now my standard answer for anything awkward. Winnie sounds like a gem. You are surrounded by them. Cantankerous and idiosyncratic, maybe, but precious.
As an aside, I understand the previous generation’s drive to have things spotlessly clean and tidy; I’m familiar with the making of copious meals and things — in the absence of the internet and in the wake of war, it’s what you do to keep civilization trucking along. And it was just the way it was.
What I can’t wrap my head around is the holding a civil tongue thing. I will express every opinion and emotion I have. Loudly. I’d like to think I’m prudent (more prudent than most) but you can see my emotions on my face, no matter how hard I try. And a scathing comeback is far more likely than a meek or even restrained deference. I used to see that as weakness, if I’m honest, but not now. The restraint and self-control it takes to just be pleasant at all costs seems Herculean. God bless Winnie and all her sisters, at home and abroad.
I never thought of it like that but you are so right. Younger generations say what they want, in any given situation. My generation sits somewhere in between so I get that, I just never really thought about it that way. Thanks for the insight.
This is fab, Kate! And apart from the mother in law you could have been describing my house and me! (complete with pony hiding washing pile and labrador hairy stairs). My mum in law always asks me ‘what’s our Darren having for tea?’ And tells him he’s getting ‘poorly thin’! 😅
I laughed so hard at “Paddy’s. . . answer to ‘taking her mind off things,’ was to introduce her to ‘Breaking Bad’ and a variety of drug gang style miniseries. They had watched so many Columbian gang movies by month three, they could speak intermediate Spanish” while reading this aloud to my husband he couldn’t at first understand what I was saying. Thank you for this.
We love every one of Guy Ritchie’s films. So glad I eventually bought a DVD of Snatch with closed captioning so we could finally understand what the Brad Pitt character was saying. 😄
beautifully written! i'm in great admiration of how well you and her handled the big life changes - im not sure i'd be quiet so graceful, in fact i know i wouldn't - it's why i'm not going to the lake again this year.
Thank you Rebecca! If I had to pick a coping strategy I’d say that me and the hubby have the same sense of humour and manage to see the funny side of most things. It’s amazing what you can get through if you can laugh at life!
Although a serious topic at it's core ... your usual amusing way of telling it had me smiling over breakfast. I love how you find humor in difficult situations.
My mother-in-law lived with us for 14 years, from the very moment we wed. My wife was the youngest child (born when MIL was 41) and still living at home caring for her ailing mom. Her dad had passed before we met. Fortunately, MIL and I got along well. Usually better than she and my missus. She's been gone 23 years now.
I couldn't have lived with my mum that long as an adult. I lived with my parents for a few months after getting out of the military and felt suffocated.
lol...too funny. Yes, I imagine it can be very difficult this generational living. But you wrote with clarity and some real heart-warming tales that made me smile. Winnie is lucky to have you :)
My late wife's mom moved in with us after her mother passed away at like 93. Her divorce money had run out and she didn't work, so we took her in. She annoyed her daughter a lot but she stayed to herself mostly.
After my wife passed away I eventually met someone else and we moved in together. All of us. Two of my boys and my GF and my late wife's mom. Then I married my girlfriend. They don't get along. Fortunately my kid's grandma stays to herself most of the time.
I think you’ve inspired me to find more *humor* in my situation:
About 15 years ago, my hubs’ parents moved-in with us when his mom was 71, and his dad was 77.
Four years later, his dad died—
(he had prostate and bladder cancer, but died from pneumonia he contracted while recovering from treatments)
—just four Sundays before my *own* mom (she was a Never-Smoker who died from Stage 4 Non-Small-Cell Lung Cancer which had spread to her brain).
This means “Omma Kwon” (my hubs is from South Korea) has lived with us “solo” now, for the past ten years, as a widow…
It’s definitely challenging, as she doesn’t “like” me, as my hubs admits:
“You’re white and you’re older than me; my mom’s never going to approve…”
Despite this, I love her very much. After all, without her, there’d be no Hansoo (her son; my husband), and I deeply love and admire my husband…
I baked her banana bread again today; it her favorite. Added fresh blueberries to it and she swooned…
Maybe she’s coming around, after all. ;D
What I love about this essay regarding your mother in law is that I truly connected with the “house chaos” — we have two big husky-shep mixes and they are truly are furbabies!
Omma (mom in Korean) Kwon is incredibly organized and efficient. I’m not either one of those things, though I’m dedicated to making her smile, at least once each day.
Thank you for the smiles for *me*, here, Kate. It matters. A lot. ;)
The photo of her hand looked just like my hand. I'm 80 now, and no children or grandchildren to take care of me when the time comes. There's more of us every year and I decided that when the times comes that I can no longer take care of myself, I'll check out.
Your post is "family" and is the way families used to be and still are in some countries.
Nice to know and thank you for posting.
Thank you for reading Karen. Sending love ❤️
Kate, your evident care in writing here is only exceeded by the care with which you accommodated an elder in-law. I think you may have under-stated the challenges here.
If someone in your home can't be happy then the household can't be happy, and there's no assurance at all that someone at this time of life could *be* happy once they relocate and lose daily contact with a life-partner. If you're achieving that, then that itself is amazing. It speaks to resources you have that not everyone possesses. People could learn from whatever it is that you know.
May I ask, do you think this experience has grown you? If so, how?
Thank you. I’m not sure there’s anything to learn from me but it’s not been too difficult as we are lucky enough to have been able to covert our garage into a granny pad so mum in law has her own space. Not everyone is so lucky and I’m sure it’s harder living together in cramped conditions. Also, I think it helps that I grew up with my grandmother and great-grandmother so it feels quite normal to me living with different age groups. Although my mum in law misses her husband very much she is a realist, like many of her generation, and understands that at 89 her caring days are over. She sees him regularly and we bring him to the house so it’s not too bad. My parents passed away a few years ago and to be honest that was harder as my dad had Parkinsons and dementia and my mum was very frail. At the side of that experience this feels a lot easier! I guess it’s all about perspective and keeping a sense of humour!!!
Sounds practical, empathic, respectful and very decent, Kate. I agree that humour is critical. Well done!
“I think I’ll go and have a little read,” is now my standard answer for anything awkward. Winnie sounds like a gem. You are surrounded by them. Cantankerous and idiosyncratic, maybe, but precious.
As an aside, I understand the previous generation’s drive to have things spotlessly clean and tidy; I’m familiar with the making of copious meals and things — in the absence of the internet and in the wake of war, it’s what you do to keep civilization trucking along. And it was just the way it was.
What I can’t wrap my head around is the holding a civil tongue thing. I will express every opinion and emotion I have. Loudly. I’d like to think I’m prudent (more prudent than most) but you can see my emotions on my face, no matter how hard I try. And a scathing comeback is far more likely than a meek or even restrained deference. I used to see that as weakness, if I’m honest, but not now. The restraint and self-control it takes to just be pleasant at all costs seems Herculean. God bless Winnie and all her sisters, at home and abroad.
I never thought of it like that but you are so right. Younger generations say what they want, in any given situation. My generation sits somewhere in between so I get that, I just never really thought about it that way. Thanks for the insight.
A delightful read of a challenging adjustment...you handled both with grace. I chuckled at the part about Breaking Bad and the Spanish.
Thank you Terry!
This is fab, Kate! And apart from the mother in law you could have been describing my house and me! (complete with pony hiding washing pile and labrador hairy stairs). My mum in law always asks me ‘what’s our Darren having for tea?’ And tells him he’s getting ‘poorly thin’! 😅
🤣🤣🤣 They are obsessed with their son’s stomachs aren’t they!! Thanks for reading Emma. Your comment made me chuckle!!
I laughed so hard at “Paddy’s. . . answer to ‘taking her mind off things,’ was to introduce her to ‘Breaking Bad’ and a variety of drug gang style miniseries. They had watched so many Columbian gang movies by month three, they could speak intermediate Spanish” while reading this aloud to my husband he couldn’t at first understand what I was saying. Thank you for this.
Thanks Heather I’m glad you enjoyed it. She’s into Guy Ritchie English gangster films now. She got us into The Gentlemen!
We love every one of Guy Ritchie’s films. So glad I eventually bought a DVD of Snatch with closed captioning so we could finally understand what the Brad Pitt character was saying. 😄
😂😂😂
beautifully written! i'm in great admiration of how well you and her handled the big life changes - im not sure i'd be quiet so graceful, in fact i know i wouldn't - it's why i'm not going to the lake again this year.
Thank you Rebecca! If I had to pick a coping strategy I’d say that me and the hubby have the same sense of humour and manage to see the funny side of most things. It’s amazing what you can get through if you can laugh at life!
Although a serious topic at it's core ... your usual amusing way of telling it had me smiling over breakfast. I love how you find humor in difficult situations.
Thank Jane. And thank you for reading x
I just came across your profile and absolutely love your writing- your sense of humor, directness, and softness, too ❤️
Thanks Tori. Really lovely thing to say ❤️
My mother-in-law lived with us for 14 years, from the very moment we wed. My wife was the youngest child (born when MIL was 41) and still living at home caring for her ailing mom. Her dad had passed before we met. Fortunately, MIL and I got along well. Usually better than she and my missus. She's been gone 23 years now.
I have to say I think I’d have found it more difficult living with my own mum!!
I couldn't have lived with my mum that long as an adult. I lived with my parents for a few months after getting out of the military and felt suffocated.
MASTURBATE! 🤣
My mum's mother-in-law lived with her and her husband when my half-brothers were little. This resulted in:
*My half-brothers being naughty
*My mum telling them off
*My half-brothers crying
*My stepgran zooming in to elaborately declare, "Don't worry, Granny still loves you!"
*My half-brothers being even more naughty
*My mum telling them off... I think you can see where this is going!
Ahhh! I’m following! Yes it can get a bit like that when everyone has their own way of doing things!!
I loved this! My experience with caregiving is with my own child. Different relationship, different experience 😂
Yeah different dynamic but I think the tv sex scenes dilemma might be the same 😂
Oh, this is so good. I won't even imagine what it would be like to live with my mother, so I pray every day it never comes to this.
Ahhh now living with your own mother, that’s a different story entirely 😂
lol...too funny. Yes, I imagine it can be very difficult this generational living. But you wrote with clarity and some real heart-warming tales that made me smile. Winnie is lucky to have you :)
Thank you Colleen. ❤️
Brilliant as always.
I empathize.
My late wife's mom moved in with us after her mother passed away at like 93. Her divorce money had run out and she didn't work, so we took her in. She annoyed her daughter a lot but she stayed to herself mostly.
After my wife passed away I eventually met someone else and we moved in together. All of us. Two of my boys and my GF and my late wife's mom. Then I married my girlfriend. They don't get along. Fortunately my kid's grandma stays to herself most of the time.
I applaud you for taking on her care.
Hi Kate,
I think you’ve inspired me to find more *humor* in my situation:
About 15 years ago, my hubs’ parents moved-in with us when his mom was 71, and his dad was 77.
Four years later, his dad died—
(he had prostate and bladder cancer, but died from pneumonia he contracted while recovering from treatments)
—just four Sundays before my *own* mom (she was a Never-Smoker who died from Stage 4 Non-Small-Cell Lung Cancer which had spread to her brain).
This means “Omma Kwon” (my hubs is from South Korea) has lived with us “solo” now, for the past ten years, as a widow…
It’s definitely challenging, as she doesn’t “like” me, as my hubs admits:
“You’re white and you’re older than me; my mom’s never going to approve…”
Despite this, I love her very much. After all, without her, there’d be no Hansoo (her son; my husband), and I deeply love and admire my husband…
I baked her banana bread again today; it her favorite. Added fresh blueberries to it and she swooned…
Maybe she’s coming around, after all. ;D
What I love about this essay regarding your mother in law is that I truly connected with the “house chaos” — we have two big husky-shep mixes and they are truly are furbabies!
Omma (mom in Korean) Kwon is incredibly organized and efficient. I’m not either one of those things, though I’m dedicated to making her smile, at least once each day.
Thank you for the smiles for *me*, here, Kate. It matters. A lot. ;)